Have you ever wondered what some of the items are that you should check for when your first draft is complete? Author Carmen Peone spoke on this topic at a Women Writing the West conference.
Top 10 errors to look for and change:
1. Passive voice… omit and change state of being verbs that lead to passive “ing” verbs: were, was, is, am, are, would, could, should, do, etc.
Passive: Ted and John were sitting in Ted’s pickup and waiting at the gate.
Active: Ted and John sat in Ted’s pickup. They waited at the gate for the last of the cows to drift through.
Passive: Sally was gaining strength and was a bit more alert than the previous day.
Active: Sally gained strength and seemed more alert than the previous day.
2. Cut unnecessary and hedging words: ready, almost, down, up, maybe, begin, seems, slightly, almost, a bit, at times, can be, often, may, sense of, etc.
Either the character does it or doesn’t do it.
Hedging: He seemed a bit angry. (telling)
Just say it: He tossed the pillow on the bed and stomped out of the room. (showing)
Hedging: She was slightly late. (telling)
Just say it: Stuck in traffic, she honked the horn, pounded her fist on the steering wheel, and tapped her watch. “He’s gonna kill me for being late. Again.” (showing)
3. POV: stay in 1 per scene or chapter.
It’s irritating to pass the camera from person to person which also slows the pace as the reader is trying to figure out who is the main character.
Example: Spupaleena’s head swirled. Light pierced her eyes. What just happened? Horse hooves sounded like a herd of elephants surrounded by mice. She reached for one of her legs and felt something wet. Blood stained her fingers.
Her father rushed over. “You okay?” He wanted to scream at them, tell them no more. His son lay unconscious behind him and now his daughter, the leader of the pack, was injured. Who would help him get his furs to the Hudson Bay Company tomorrow?
Spotted Fawn scrambled to her feet and sprinted to Spupaleena. “Pekam is hurt.” I knew we should have canceled this race.
“How bad?” Spupaleena held back a hot tear. “It’s all my fault.”
Yes, it is, thought her father. (Her father is out of POV and should be removed.)
4. Choose normal words over fancy ones. It gets in the way of your content and message and stops the flow of the story.
Remember: Voluminous bibliophiles stumble over colossal words because they are truncated readers.
5. Are you a word collector?
Use strong verbs and specific nouns. Use adjectives sparingly. Normally one adjective is enough otherwise its strength is diminished.
Examples of specific nouns: hut, mansion, mountain bike, Dodge, Appaloosa, tank top, Stetson, revolver, trail, path, freeway, slipper.
Not: house, bike, automobile, horse, shirt, gun, hat, shoe
Examples of strong verbs: bash, blab, eyeball, frown, gaze, devour, dangle, hunker, gleam, grip, hack, rush, jostle, peck, pile, plop, lurch, soar, shatter, slurp, stumble, tangle, untangle, usher, wrench, wind, weave, wrangle, zing, zap, yank, tug, stroll, amble, sprint, jump, sparkle, trim.
Examples of strong verbs: bash, blab, eyeball, frown, gaze, devour, dangle, hunker, gleam, grip, hack, rush, jostle, peck, pile, plop, lurch, soar, shatter, slurp, stumble, tangle, untangle, usher, wrench, wind, weave, wrangle, zing, zap, yank, tug, stroll, amble, sprint, jump, sparkle, trim.
Remember, badly, Lovely, godly, strenuously, and gradually––all lead to telling and not showing.
Slowly can be crept, snails-pace, or stalked.
Example:
Weak: I walked slowly around the building.
Better: I crept around the building.
Tightly can be griped or squeezed.
Examples:
Weak: I held his arm tightly.
Better: I squeezed his arm until his skin turned red. I grabbed his arm and swung him around.
~Tip~ It’s better to use one adjective and not two so as not to weaken writing. Keep the stronger one. Delete the weaker.
6. Resist the urge to explain or RUE
Josh was mad. He pounded the table. *If Josh pounds the table, we don’t need to be told he’s mad. Plus that sentence is telling. (See number 7)
“Sally, you drive me crazy,” he said, angrily. *1. “ly” adverb, 2. Dialog suggests anger, don’t need to tell the reader.
“You said I could go!” Jaimee argued. ”said” is sufficient. The reader knows Jaimee is arguing.
Another way of looking at it:
Josh was mad. He pounded the table. “Jaimee, you need to stay home and do your homework.”
“You said I could go!” Jaimee said, angrily.
“I don’t recall promising you could go anywhere,” Josh argued said. (or better yet, add an action beat instead of a dialogue tag.)
7. Telling—no need to bore the reader. Instead, show them doing or saying something that moves the story along.
The time for short spurts of telling is:
– Transitions from one place to another: Three days later…
Or a few hours later, For the next few weeks, etc. Then move back into showing.
Tell: The temperature skyrocketed, and the heat rose from the pavement.
Show: Sweat slid down Cindy’s back, and she squinted hard against the sun’s glaze reflecting off the pavement. (Show your character in the heat: wiping sweat from her brow, moisture beading on her nose, etc.)
Tell: It was morning.
Show: A faint light spilled through a sheer curtain. Outside, the sky blushed.
Tell: He was a cowboy and asked for the injured calf.
Show: His spurs jangled as he approached, a syringe in his hand. Dirt-stained jeans covered long legs. A black Stetson perched low on his brow. “Where is he?”
8. Avoid mannerisms of attribution. People don’t wheeze, gasp, laugh, grunt, snort, reply, retort, exclaim, or declare what is said. Simply say, “Hi,” she said.
Sometimes using the following is okay: whisper, sigh, manage, or mumble. What’s best? Use an action beat. Show the character in action, this includes dialogue.
Weak: “I hate broccoli!” Jean gasped.
Better: “I hate broccoli!” Jean scrunched her nose.
Weak: “You should have never insisted she ride with her father,” Lane grunted.
Better: Lane grunted. “You should have never insisted she ride with her father.”
Weak: “Oh, I don’t know,” Jill laughed. (People don’t laugh and speak in unison.)
Better: “Oh, I don’t know. Take up dancing?” Jill broke out into a saucy version of a Western line dance.
9. Avoid Flashbacks. Instead, pepper in backstory a little at a time and tell the story chronologically.
10. Use dialect sparingly. Just a hint is sufficient otherwise it slows down readers and they tend to stumble over unfamiliar words.
The complete article can be downloaded and includes additional Other Things to Avoid.
Carmen Peone is an award-winning author of Young Adult and Contemporary Western Romantic Suspense and lives with her husband in Northeast Washington and on the Colville Confederated Indian Reservation.
She had worked with a Tribal Elder, Marguerite Ensminger, for three years learning the Arrow Lakes Language and various cultural traditions, which led to her writing career.
With the love of history and the western woman’s lifestyle, she weaves threads of healing, hope, and horses into her stories. With a thread of romance.
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